I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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