I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
