I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
