i just sent this text using only my big toe
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Randomize
