She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
