I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I want to be your penis for a week.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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