apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
