Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Randomize
