My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
