Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
