But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize