New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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