Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
love makes seman taste better
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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