Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize