they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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