Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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