this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
