Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
