I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
that may or may not have been my penis.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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