He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
