$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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