She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
