can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
