You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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