It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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