Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i think i have two assholes
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You've changed since you got that strap on
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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