It's Friday. Sex?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
