You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
