I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
