So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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