new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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