the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
