fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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