Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Randomize
