i just had sex bonerless
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
