New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
