Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
