You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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