I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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