I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
