did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
