I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
