Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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