hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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