She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
