Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
