Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
