I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
