my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
