You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
