you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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