why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
