Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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