she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Randomize
