The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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