So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
