why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
