So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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