i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
