you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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