Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
