I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
