you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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