and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Randomize
