Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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