So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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