My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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