Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Also, beer. Big fan.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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