Moan for me like Helen Keller
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
just tell him i said nine months
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
