just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
