I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
